Why I Served a Mission Despite My Sensory Issues and Anxiety (Feat. Ava Bentley) - EP 129

Have you ever felt like the very place you go for healing is where you get hurt the most? In this powerful episode of Walking with the Savior, Ava Bentley shares her raw and honest journey of serving a mission while navigating severe mental health challenges and unexpected church hurt. Her story is a beautiful reminder that even when people let us down, the Savior never does.

Ava opens up about her lifelong battle with ADHD, OCD, and depression, and how a profound experience with the Book of Mormon at age 15 gave her the hope she needed to keep going. She takes us through the highs and lows of her missionary service, from the excitement of her call to the painful reality of personality clashes and leadership struggles. Despite being sent home earlier than she anticipated, Ava discovered a deeper, more resilient relationship with Jesus Christ that changed her life forever.

Visit Our Website: https://walkingwiththesavior.com/episodes/

Listen to us on your favorite platform:
https://www.buzzsprout.com/2414656

Donations gladly accepted:
https://www.paypal.com/paypalme/WalkingwiththeSavior?country.x=US&locale.x=en_US

Email John: walkingwiththeSaviorpodcast@gmail.com

Chapters
0:00 Intro and meeting Ava Bentley
3:15 Early struggles with mental health and ADHD
7:45 Finding hope through the Book of Mormon
11:30 The decision to serve a mission despite sensory issues
15:20 A miraculous interview with the Bishop
19:40 Entering the mission field and meeting her trainer
24:10 Being judged for her personality and style
28:50 The struggle to be understood by mission leaders
32:15 Feeling broken and hitting rock bottom
36:40 Dealing with hurtful comments from companions
41:00 Finding strength in Christ during lonely moments
45:30 Understanding the Atonement and forgiveness
49:15 Reaching out to past companions to heal
53:45 Navigating difficult mission leadership and returning home
58:20 Meeting her husband and processing the mission experience
1:02:10 Separating the people from the Savior
1:04:30 Final testimony on the love of Jesus

If this story touched your heart or helped you feel less alone in your struggles, please subscribe to the channel and share this video with a friend. We would love to hear your thoughts in the comments below.

#Faith #MentalHealth #JesusChrist #ChurchHurt #LDS

Transcript

SPEAKER_06 0:00

And I was just like at that point, I was like, no, I'm done. I've advocated for myself enough out here. These people who aren't they don't want me to be out here and I'm not gonna stay out here and be, you know, kind of picked apart. Um, I'm not gonna stay out here. I've done my mission. I've I've I know there was one person I know I was for sure out there to convert. I helped her a lot, and she's my best friend. And I and I was I felt good. I was like, you know, I I I've done my mission, I'm okay.

SPEAKER_02 0:34

You're awesome, you're amazing, you're love forever blazing with heavy inside your soul. You're valuable, unstakable, you are a child of the god, you're designed.

SPEAKER_00 0:57

Welcome everybody to this week's episode of Walking with the Savior Podcast. I'm so excited to be here with you. I have a young sister, Ava Bentley. Ava Bentley, and I heard her speak yesterday in church, and I was like, this girl's on fire! I'm fire for Jesus. She was she was just weeping for the savior. And anybody who weeps like that in front of people for the savior, I'm like, I gotta get you on my podcast. And but Ava went through some very, very hard times. She served a mission for her church. It was expected to serve for a mission a year and a half, but about a year out, things really started to go rough and had a rough go of it. Had some rough, you know, church hurt. We're gonna talk a little bit about church hurt. Have you ever been hurt and got some church hurt? Here we are, you know, Christians. We're supposed to go to church to feel some healing, and instead we get some church hurt.

SPEAKER_06 1:47

I know it's the worst, but it's okay. It makes us stronger.

SPEAKER_00 1:51

See what I'm talking about. Ava's just such a pleasant person to be with. So, Ava, tell us how you kind of came to that decision to serve a mission because it is a huge decision and a huge sacrifice to give up a year and a half your life for this purpose and this cause and for Jesus. So uh tell us a little bit how you came to that decision for yourself.

SPEAKER_06 2:13

Yeah, so I grew up with a lot of like mental health issues, and it was just it was really hard. There was a point where I didn't want to live anymore, and um it was just super hard, and that went on for years through middle school and high school. There was a point where I just was on my knees praying, and I had an impression to open up my scriptures, and um I read Alma V in the Book of Mormon, which you know I wasn't it was the feelings I got from just reading the Book of Mormon. It didn't have anything to do with like Alma V in particular, it just talks about repentance and stuff, but I just remember I had been numb for so long, I was so depressed, and I I just got like the most peaceful, um, overwhelming feeling of just love and joy, and I was just like, oh my gosh, I haven't felt this in I don't know how long, and it just felt so so good. And in that moment, I was like, I've never felt this way before, like this has got to be true, and um obviously it was hard a couple years after that. I finally um what age was that? This is probably like I mean, I've struggled since I was like six years old. I have ADHD. I have I had anxiety at six, it was a lot. Um and then I through my teenage years I developed OCD and depression. I was probably like 413 through like 16, really struggling with like intrusive thoughts, OCD. It was just my life was like my head was a living hell. It really was. It was so hard. Like I would sleep so I didn't have to like be up and like deal with my, you know, the stuff that was going on in my head. So if that tells you anything, like I just didn't want to be here. Anyways, um, my dad had an impression.

SPEAKER_00 4:16

Hold on, let me just say something. I'm so glad you're here with us.

SPEAKER_06 4:19

Thank you.

SPEAKER_00 4:19

So I I wear these shirts for people like that in this situation. I wear your awesome shirts. You if you if you're watching, if you're listening, if you're watching on YouTube, you can see my your awesome shirt. I wear these because I don't know who's hurting, I don't know who's dealing with that battle, and I just want everybody to know you're valuable and you truly are awesome. But at the time, it's hard to see that.

SPEAKER_06 4:43

Yeah, for sure. Just like I think just what I was going through, it wasn't even that like I was like, oh my gosh, I'm an awful person. It was just life, like my thoughts were overtaking my life, and I just didn't want to be here. I was fed up, I was sick of it, I just like life wasn't worth it at that time. Anyway, so fast forward, I don't know how long, but my dad had an impression, he's like, we need to take you off your meds because that I don't know if you know how ADHD meds work, but they help you focus. And I was focusing on OCD, so it's like a hamster wheel, your brain just cannot get off. After that, like it was like a miracle, like everything changed for me. And obviously, it's not like that for most people, but for me, I was blessed and I was able to get a break. But I will say during that time, because of that experience I had um with the Book of Mormon, I was able to have hope and feel peace whenever I opened up my scriptures, and I was able to press forward and be like, okay, I need to, I need to be here. Like, I see this little like light at the end of the tunnel. I feel like something might happen. Um, and so, you know, keeping the faith really helped me. And obviously, that's not super easy. Um, my my sisters actually struggle with the similar things, and one of them left. She's she's back now, but she had to leave to figure out, you know, that she needed to come back. But she was like, God's not there for me, you know, and that's so easy to think. But I think for me, thankfully it was opposite, and I was like, This is all I got. I have to like hold on, like this is it. Like, I this is the only thing that will get me out. And it it did. So, some people it takes a little more time for me. I was blessed enough to, you know, have God through the whole time and to, you know, have faith that He was there, even when I couldn't feel him and I was numb, there were little signs that he was there.

SPEAKER_00 6:41

So, what age do you think you were when you had this uh experience in Scripture where you felt God's overwhelming love for you?

SPEAKER_06 6:51

Uh, I feel I think I might have been 15. Yeah, 15 years old.

SPEAKER_00 6:56

Me too. I had a similar thing at about 15. It was the year I lost all my friends and I found my true friend. You know, I I don't know if you went through anything like that, but yeah, it was just like I was I started reading scriptures daily, and there were times where I was like, man, I just feel something. Yeah, just overwhelming love. Yeah, and I wasn't even I this is crazy, okay? Because I was not a good reader, and there were times where I was just reading scripture and I felt the savior's overwhelming love, and I was like, I don't even know what I just read.

SPEAKER_06 7:25

Yes, no, that's relatable, that's relatable for sure. It's like you're like, what is this feeling? Yeah, you're like, I feel really good, and I don't even know what I'm reading right now. Is this a drug? I know, literally, it's the spirit. Jesus loves you. I know, literally. Yeah, but um, so yeah, after that, I I don't know, it might have been the same year, might have been a year after, but I had a thought. I was like, huh, like a mission. Um something about me, I actually have high-functioning autism. So I have a lot of sensory issues and stuff. Uh, so like I can't watch general conference because of like the noises, and church is really hard for me. So for the noises. So I had a thought about a mission. I was like, there's absolutely no way I can serve a mission. If I can't even get through church, how am I gonna, you know, serve a mission? And I remember telling my dad that he's like, you could you could serve a mission. I go, no, absolutely not. I couldn't. I want, I think it'd be cool, but I I don't, I I can't like it's just not possible. And he I remember he said something to me that really stuck with me. He goes, Ava, like Heavenly Father didn't put this desire in your heart for nothing. Like, if you have this desire and you have this thought, like he will find a way for you to serve a mission. And I kind of brushed it off, but it kind of stuck with me in my head. So, anyways, I graduated high school, I did online. Um, I just like didn't like high school. I think a lot of people could relate to that.

SPEAKER_00 8:55

Yeah, I get it, I get it.

SPEAKER_06 8:56

Yeah. So I went up to Provo and I found my best friends. I had the time of my life, I was having so much fun. I was enrolled in hair school. Well, it hadn't started yet, but I was enrolled. I was super excited. I was going with my best friends to hair school. And I was with my friend one night and he was just telling me about his mission. And uh he went somewhere, I think he went to like Boise, Idaho. And he's like, I loved it, it was great, it was awesome. And I just, I know, I was like, Boise, okay, I'm glad you have fun. I'm glad you had fun in Boise Ardo. Um, I know, but he was just telling me like how amazing it was and how much how he loved the people and it was just awesome. And I just had this voice come to my head being like, You need to go on a mission, you're gonna be a really good mom if you go, you need to go on a mission. And I was like, oh my gosh, like, okay. And I'm a person who like I lead more so like with my head than my heart, so those two things don't get mixed up for me. And so when God asked me to do something, I will do it, and that's a blessing because I know that's hard for a lot of people, but I I was like, okay, I'll go on a mission. Like, I knew I knew it was from God, and I knew I needed to go. So I text my dad, it was like 3 a.m. I was like, Dad, I'm going on a mission. He's like, Yeah, okay, we'll see where that goes. You have a lot of ideas you say you're gonna do, and you never do it.

SPEAKER_00 10:23

Oh my god.

SPEAKER_06 10:24

I know sorry, it is no, it is like the ADHD in me. It was just like so. He was like, Yeah, good luck, whatever. He's like, We'll see if she follows through, and I did. And so the next day I called my hair school, I was like, Hey, like, I'm gonna go serve a mission, like I'll be back. And so, yeah, from then on, I started filling out my papers. It was actually quite a long process. I procrastinated a lot, I was having a lot of fun, so it took me like a year to put in my papers. I was in no rush. Uh, at the time, you had to be 19 to serve. I think they recently turned changed it to like 18, but um, so I had I had a year anyways, but yeah, so I turned in my papers and um or no, that's not what happened. This is what happened. So I uh called my bishop, and my bishop knew I struggled growing up, like he was a part of that. He saw me from a young age, you know, up until I left up to college, and I struggled in church, I just did. Um anyway, so he I called him and I was like, Yeah, I want to serve a mission. He's like, Oh, okay, that's that's fun. And then I was like, Yeah, let's set up a time, or whatever. We set up a time, but he tried to call my dad like three times to just and my dad thankfully never answered, and I know that was like the spirit. He never answered, and he was gonna tell my dad, she can't, she needs to do a service mission, like she's not gonna be able to go on a prostlining mission, that's too much. Yeah, yeah. Like, she doesn't know what a mission is, obviously, if she wants to serve. Um, I mean, he didn't say that, but I'm gonna that's probably what he thought. And he was the best, he was so nice, he was he was awesome. He just saw me struggle so hard. Um, thankfully, my dad never picked up. Eventually, my bishop's like, well, I can't get a hold of her dad. Let's just I'll just meet her in person and tell her. And I walked in for my first interview. I was so excited, and I had no idea about this story until I was like five months out on my mission. My mom was telling me because I you'll see further on, I struggled, and she was like, No, you need to stay out this with Bishop's side or whatever. I come in and I guess he told my mom, he was like, as soon as she walked in, the spirit was like, do not deny her this experience. She will serve, like, and she will serve full time, like she'll serve a full mission. And um, for me, like later on, that affected me and that helped me to stay out. But anyway, so yeah, I he let me go on a mission. I had no idea until later on that he was even like questioning it, just because I had all the confidence. God told me to go, I'm gonna go, like, I can do it, right? Um so yeah, that's how I kind of decided to go on a mission. There were just a lot of things that I had gone through, and I was like, if I can get through this like with Jesus Christ, like through all this, and I it was because of him, like I know that for a fact. Without him, I wouldn't be here, but um, I was like, I can help people, I can give them hope, like I can share this message with them, and um so yeah, that's kind of like how I decided to go on a mission. Um, it was a lot of things leading up to it. Um but yeah, it was great.

SPEAKER_00 13:47

How did you get that um intense with Jesus? I could do this faith.

SPEAKER_06 13:54

Um, I think it honestly came from like when I was, you know, not wanting to be here, and it was kind of like a life or life or death situation, and I was like, this is my only thing. Like I just I'm gonna try it out. Like I just gotta, I I need something, and this is, you know, what my parents have taught me, and this is what I you know know so far to be true. I didn't have a super strong testimony, but I think, you know, a faith is believing in something you can't see, or you know, I think at that point I had like a faith of must like a mustard seed of faith. And I was like, I'm gonna, I'm gonna take it and run with it. And so I did, and it worked out. It worked out, thankfully.

SPEAKER_00 14:37

I love your just simple steps and the way that you can just take action when God speaks to you and when those impressions come to you. I just want to. Yeah, love that.

SPEAKER_06 14:49

Thank you.

SPEAKER_00 14:49

So we now you get into this the mission, and it's easy, right? Mission series.

SPEAKER_06 14:53

It's so easy, it's super fun. Yeah, no, my mission was really hard. I and this isn't to scare anyone, it was the best. I would do it 10 more times. Like it was so hard, but I that's what I needed. I needed that. I um, yeah, so basically I went on my mission, and like I said, I had a blast in college, and so I was like, everyone loves me, oh my gosh. But it's like you choose who you surround yourself with. And my friends just thought I was the best, they thought I was so funny, and we just had such a good time.

SPEAKER_00 15:28

And I was in for a rude awakening when I met my trainer, and so so you go from everybody loves me, right?

SPEAKER_06 15:38

Your trainer is like who is this ditzy blonde girl that I am training right now?

SPEAKER_00 15:44

Yeah, which is is unfortunate, you know. But it's so hard to sometimes be forced to live with somebody that you've never met before, and frankly, a lot of times your personalities are 100% different. Yeah, I just gotta share this one because no, do it, yeah. So I was uh paired, I was from Los Angeles, and I met had a companion who was from Elba, Idaho, population 100. I've been to Elba, Idaho. Yes, he was a big guy, a stocky guy. He was probably, you know, 6'2 and 225, 250, and I was about five, seven and a half, and at that time I was about 120 pounds.

SPEAKER_01 16:27

And we he was country and I was city, man. We were so different, you know. I would have yeah, it's just like I don't know if we could have got more extremely different.

SPEAKER_06 16:37

Yeah, but this was your trainer or what?

SPEAKER_01 16:39

No, this is just a companion.

SPEAKER_00 16:41

He was probably my third or fourth companion. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 16:44

And um, he he used to say, Kirkwin, do you want me to give you the belly? And then he That's crazy.

SPEAKER_05 16:52

He would smash me up against a wall. Stop.

SPEAKER_06 16:55

You're like, I'm getting violated. It's like, what the heck is going on? Like, get off of me, please.

SPEAKER_05 17:03

Stop. That's funny.

SPEAKER_06 17:06

That's crazy.

SPEAKER_00 17:07

Uh yeah. So missions can set you up for some unique situations.

SPEAKER_06 17:12

For sure. Yeah. So I came and I came out with all the confidence in the world. I was like, oh my gosh, like I well, and he the funny thing is, my stake president, before I went out, he was like, do not change who you are. Do not change who you are, be who you are. This is who you were called as. Like, you're gonna relate to someone, like be who you are. Until I came in with I think like a subconscious mindset of like, I don't need to change, I'm fine just the way I am, which is delusional. And I later found out like it's okay to change. Um, but I yeah, so, anyways, I yeah, me and my trainer at first, like we did not get along, and I will I can fully admit that was my she was a great trainer, she really was. She had a lot of patience, she was from Idaho too. Um, we just lived such different lives. My mom's from California, my dad's from Oregon, and then you know, part I was born in Washington State, and I moved to St. George when I was like eight. So I feel like there's kind of like a little bit of a different culture when it comes to Utah and then at a state where so like I feel like sometimes nowadays we can focus on so many little things that aren't important and judge others, but in you know, other states, I've this is just my experience. I've experienced that like people just don't care and like you just live the gospel, you just live it, and um, there's not a lot of judgment anyway. So I came out kind of crazy. I wasn't taught to just like nit. My parents never nitpicked how I lived. They were like, you know what, as long as you're doing the best you can, that's all that matters. Like, it's okay. So I came out and I was just kind of crazy. I was fresh out of college from like partying, not like drinking or anything, but I was just having a good time sitting up to like 4 a.m. with friends. And it was I came out crazy, and so she was kind of like, ugh, like a mission a year into her mission. She's like, Who is this girl?

SPEAKER_00 19:13

Who is this girl who thinks she owns the world? I just want to give you a high five because I I kind of feel like people respond to me that way too.

SPEAKER_05 19:21

Yeah, and they still do because I like I got a little energy and a little fire that's like who is this guy? I know. They're like, he's a lot. She's not prepared.

SPEAKER_00 19:34

I I'm I'm 55, and people are like, what the heck is going on with this?

SPEAKER_05 19:39

I know.

SPEAKER_00 19:40

When are you gonna grow up? No, never.

SPEAKER_06 19:42

This is who I am. You get me forever like this, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 19:45

And that's why I don't look 55, you know? Yeah, I live like I'm 25.

SPEAKER_06 19:49

Yes, yes, no, I totally.

SPEAKER_00 19:52

When I started teaching seminary, I had teachers and administrators who were like, all right, we need to dial it down a little bit.

SPEAKER_01 20:00

And I'm like, why?

SPEAKER_00 20:02

You know, for a lot of years, for a lot of years, I was like, all right, I'll I'll try to do that and take on the more serious approach, you know. Yeah, and then I just realized, no, this is this is my strength. I know, this is my superpower, yes, you know, it is um everybody's got a different superpower, and this is mine, and I know for me to to squash that superpower would be to limit me. And I I I realized I wasn't happy trying to teach um without that superpower.

SPEAKER_06 20:28

I don't know if that makes sense, but yes, no, absolutely, yeah. No, I think, and a big thing I had seen on my mission was people. My my mission was known for like no slang, which I have a heart. They were like, yes, and that was my thing because that is who I am, that is genuinely how I associate myself. I love all the fun words, I'm crazy, like that's and I think that's so relatable, honestly. And so that was one part of me. I I started kind of um changing, but I never changed that part of me. And um, I think a lot of my mission leaders had an issue with that. They're like sister alignment. I wasn't swearing or anything, but I was yeah, I was the same way.

SPEAKER_00 21:14

I you know, yeah, I remember missionaries sitting, you know, maybe a leader or something, you know, kind of sent me down and say, we we need to uh be a little more respectful. Yeah. And I'm just like, I just didn't grow up like that, you know? Yes, exactly. And um and and I've had principals as a as a teacher, seminary teacher, and principals that were were caught off guard by it. And I I just I I I understand, right? Yeah, I'm trying to but like if if we we we miss we can we can let those little things get in the way of seeing somebody's superpower. I think that's what I'm saying. Yes, that's what I'm saying. That's what I'm saying. Like if that becomes the focus and that's all you see, then you miss the good. You do, and we're kind of like miss the focus of everything. Yeah, like we gotta don't focus on.

SPEAKER_06 22:00

The little things like those things made make you you right, and so that was one part that I refused to change, and so I think my president and my district leaders and all my leaders had a really hard time with that. They're like, and I think since a lot of missionaries hadn't weren't using slang, and you see this crazy blonde girl on the back who's just like crazy, they're like, she's disobedient, but I was very obedient.

SPEAKER_00 22:26

I was a very obedient missionary, and I hate that, I hate that mentality. Oh, she's so disobedient because of how she talks, right?

SPEAKER_01 22:34

Like, we're we're talking slang, you know, we're talking, we're not talking swearing with it. No, yeah. It's like it's not even a higher law.

SPEAKER_00 22:41

Let's not just quit being ridiculous. Yeah, no, like the savior called Peter a fisherman. That guy was probably rough around the edges. He has some 100% seriously rough hands. Yeah, he probably swore like a sailor. Yes, you know, he needs to be shaped and molded. But if we sit there and nitpick people, you know, we're just gonna lose sight and build front frustration instead of friendship.

SPEAKER_06 23:03

Exactly. And you know, yeah, that was that was hard. I was like, why are you guys trying to change me? Like, I know I'm supposed to be here, I know I'm perfect. Like, I know it well, I'm it, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 23:16

You said, I know I'm perfect.

SPEAKER_06 23:17

No, I didn't mean it like that. I know, like my personality, the way it is, is perfect. That's how God made me. Like, that's what I meant. I I am not perfect, I'm so far from it. But and I was conforming, like I was, I was I was changing. I was like, I was changing in all the right ways, and it was really cool to see that part of myself. And I it was because you know, obedience, they always say obedience brings blessings, but it does, it really does. Um, and um, yeah, I don't think my leaders unfortunately saw that, but I sure I I did. I saw that in myself, and I saw that obedience brought blessings, and I um kept trying my best to be obedient. And so yeah, I think just yeah, that was a really big thing. They were like, Sister Lyman's like crazy, she's talking so you know, like they were all very, I don't know. But yeah, so that was uh strugg one of my struggles, and I think that's when people kind of started to get this like image of me that I was disobedient because of how I talked, because no one else did. It was so interesting.

SPEAKER_00 24:23

Um so let me ask you this question.

SPEAKER_06 24:25

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 24:26

Uh was there a moment on your mission where you, you know, you just felt completely broken?

SPEAKER_06 24:30

Yeah, there were so many times where I felt broken. There were so many, there were so many times I just hit rock bottom. I had obviously like I'm not for everyone. No, no, no one's for everyone, right? And I learned that really quick. Um, it is really hard though when you live with someone for at least six weeks and you realize, oh my gosh, they don't like me.

SPEAKER_00 24:56

I'm so sorry.

SPEAKER_06 24:57

That's okay. That's okay because I I learned so much. But um, so in those moments where I, you know, it just I had really hard companions, and I'm sure I was a hard companion too. Like, I'm not saying it was all their fault, it takes two to tango, but yeah, you just have a lot of different people that you have to live with and work with, and um, it's great and it's hard, and it's all the things packed in however long you're with them. And um yeah, so there was a time where this was probably my hardest companion, and she was and and the thing is everyone loved her, and I was like, oh, like there's something wrong with me. But I look back and I I'm the first one to look inward. I'm used to looking inward, I'm used to being, you know, like blamed for things I because I'm I make so many mistakes, and that's that's totally fine. But um, anyways, there was I was really depressed because she had told me to my face, like, you know, I would never be friends with you outside of the mission. She was like, I would never ever choose to hang out with you. And I remember we were on her bed. I know this is crazy. And I remember looking at her and just crying and be like, that's really sad, because I would have, I would have chosen to hang out with you.

SPEAKER_00 26:21

And why would you ever say that's somebody?

SPEAKER_06 26:24

Yeah, and I I think it was also she had told me that how I looked. I looked like the girls at her high school. I don't know. She's like, You look like someone who goes to Lone Peak. I don't even know the stereotype.

SPEAKER_05 26:36

I like looked it up after, and I'm almost like, I don't know what you're talking about.

SPEAKER_06 26:40

My friends, yeah, like I didn't have friends.

SPEAKER_05 26:43

Well, now you live three miles from Lone Peak.

SPEAKER_06 26:45

I know, literally, literally, I know. And there were, she's like, you remind me of the girls who like bullied me in high school, and you just look like them and you talk like them. And I was like, Sister, I don't know what you want me to do about how I look. This is how I've always looked. Like, I'm I love fashion, I love makeup, and that was like something I always did for myself. That was my me thing on my mission because you know you're so like pouring yourself out to others, and that was my me thing, and I loved it, and it was fun, but I never was mean to anybody. Um, so that was really hurtful, and I think she had like this uh just like this image of me that because I looked a certain way, I had certain friends, and I wouldn't ever hang out with anyone like her, and I would make fun of her. But the thing is, I had friends, I have all different types of friends because you know, I'm that's just how I am. Like I I love I love people, I love everybody. Um, anyways, and I I just remember crying and looking at her and being like, that makes me so sad because I would have chosen to hang out with you out of this. And um anyway, so and then there was another time with this particular companion where it it got really bad. I was super depressed. There were a couple days where I was feeling so depressed, and this wasn't like an occurrence, like I was doing the work, like I went out and worked every day, but there were I think I was sick for a couple of days, and then my mental health was bad too. So it was just like a bad combo of everything, and she we were stuck in the house for like two days. Oh, I hate those days. I know and that, but that was how I like I started to shut down because people kept telling me, you can't do this, you can't, you're who you are isn't okay. Like you're slaying, like you're too much. You need to like kind of um, you know, you need to be better. And I I was trying my best, and I have all these things. I'm like, you know what? Like, at one point I was just like, I don't need to be out here. You know, I'm I'm a girl, like I I have so many mental health struggles, I have sensory issues. This, I do not need to be out here. Um, and so it was really hard. And I remember one day, you know, we were I was struggling with mental health, and she looks at me, and and this girl wanted to be a therapist. She wanted to be a therapist, and she's wearing this shirt that says mental health awareness. And she goes, She I kid you not, this is like comical. She goes, Sister, I just I can't do this anymore. Like, I can't handle your depression, like it's too much. Like, and so I think we eventually called president and we were like, hey, like, this isn't working out. Like, I tried so hard to like, I try to change for her, which don't do that. Like, you can compromise, but don't change who you are to make someone like you. And I tried so hard to make her like me because I am a people pleaser, and I think that's a lot of ways, that's how you survive a mission. You have to, you know, kind of conform, or that's how I thought, and it wasn't working. I was like, what is wrong with me? Like, there's something wrong with me. And I just had to realize, you know what, she has her own stuff going on, that's not my issue. And um, we're different people, and that's okay. That you know, she doesn't like you, not every and that's kind of uh where I found out like it's okay to not be liked by everybody. That was really a hard lesson for me to learn, but anyways, since we I was struggling so hard, those moments are where I really held on to Jesus Christ. He was my only person, him and Heavenly Father, like it's in the darkest moments. I always say that um I think that trials now looking back, uh I've come to know that trials are great. They really are. As hard as they are, they it's an opportunity for us to become closer with Jesus Christ. Um, and that's up to you, whether you choose to, you know, push him away and blame him for things, or you take it as an opportunity to, you know, strengthen your relationship with him and you know, see miracles happen. And I just remember getting all my strength from Christ in those moments. I didn't have a companion to talk to. Like whenever we weren't working together, she didn't want to talk to me. And honestly, I didn't either at that point. I was like, this girl like has done so many mean things to me. Like she is I was like, what's yeah, so I just I wasn't mean to her. I never was. That's a thing, and that's why why I had a hard time. Um, I mean, maybe she thought I was mean. I didn't do anything. I would tried so hard for her to like me, but I just remember getting so close to Jesus Christ because I had no one.

SPEAKER_00 31:41

And um what did that look like? Can you just tell me about it?

SPEAKER_06 31:45

I think just like immersing myself in the scriptures and praying, and also I learned to pray for her, and I that's something I learned from her because she told me she'd prayed for me. Like, no, and I was like, huh, you hate me, but you pray for me.

SPEAKER_00 32:00

I was like interesting. You gotta be careful not to use that tool as a manipulation tool.

SPEAKER_06 32:07

Yeah, no, for sure. I don't think she I think she was doing her best, and I, you know, I messaged her a couple weeks ago and I was like, hey, you know what? I'm sorry if I ever, you know, because it was just eating at me. I've had so much resentment towards her and so many other people in my mission who just, you know, kind of had this image of me because of how I, you know, presented myself or talked and didn't really get to know me and didn't want to. And so I've reached out to those people and try to make amends. You know, I apologize for anything that I did. Because you know what? I truly do not think that she knows that that hurt me so bad, and that's okay. So I just I reached out for me and I was like, hey, I'm sorry if I hurt you because she's probably feeling the same way. I'm sure I did something that you know hurt her, but I did it for me to move on. Um, and it felt great, you know.

SPEAKER_00 33:04

Let's talk about that for a minute. How yeah, I mean, because a lot of people just tell these stories and never even think twice about reaching out to these people. So what what what led you to do that? To to say, you know, to reach out and try to be forgiving.

SPEAKER_06 33:16

Yeah, so I had a companion, my second companion, she was great. I I just had a lot of grudges towards people in my mission. So I held a grudge for my trainer from a long time. She goes, you know, sister, I think you need to use the atonement. I was like, What do you mean, girl? Are you calling me to repentance? Like, what's going on? And she's like, No, I mean like, because at first I had thought repentance was just to, you know, like ask for forgiveness from Heavenly Father, but I didn't know you could use it to draw upon strength from Jesus Christ's atonement and to forgive others and also to just get through hard days, be like, Heavenly Father, like I need Jesus Christ's atonement, like I cannot do this. Please get me through this day. And so that was a really important lesson that I learned, and so she taught me about uh forgiveness and how to use the atonement. And so I just noticed after my mission, it's been almost two years, and I still have a lot of hurt, and I just was seeing myself kind of just talk poorly about people, and I was like, I don't want to do this anymore. I can't, I don't want to be hateful. Like, I need to do something about this. And so I reached out, you know, I prayed. I I prayed to Heavenly Father, and I was like, you know what? If I did anything, I'm so sorry. Like, I'm sorry if I did anything, and help me to be able to forgive her without, you know, getting an apology from her directly. Just help me to be able to forgive her and to apologize to her, and so I did, and I reached out and I didn't get a response for a while. She responded with a sweet message. You know, I never got an apology, but I'm okay with that. And now when I think about her, I don't think about her, you know, I don't talk with hate anymore, which is really big for me because I just kept seeing myself kind of go stoop lower, and I was like, this isn't who God wants me to be, this isn't how it should be, and so that burden was kind of lifted off of me.

SPEAKER_00 35:13

So you talk about um relying on the savior and really praying, and uh those times where you felt so lonely. Yeah, and uh how did you feel, or how did you feel him, or uh what did you come to gain from those experiences?

SPEAKER_06 35:32

Yeah, so when I felt alone, like sometimes I think that God, I always say God doesn't give us challenges, he allows them to come. Our agency gives us challenges. People always ask, why does God let why does God make bad things happen to us? I'm like, He never makes it. It's just a trickle of you know, our agency, and it just leads to things. But he he's up there and he's rearranging everything and he can be like, Oh, you know, this is gonna happen. I'm not gonna take it away. Because I see her growing from that, I can see her coming out of that if she uses if she asks for me for help. And I think in those moments when God gives you challenges, he allows challenges, you he sees it as an opportunity for you guys to grow your relationship. And so, you know, when I felt so alone, I was like, okay, this is for a reason, you know, like I obviously have something to grow from this. Um, this is why I'm on a mission. I I knew I needed to change. I was not like ready to get married or have kids, and I knew I needed to be out there. I was like, I need to, I need to go through some hard things before I can, you know, get on with that part of my life. And so when I was having, you know, those when I felt so alone, I just I just knew it was what needed to happen. And you know, obviously a lot of people don't have I'm very blessed with the mindset I have, I will say. Like I look at things with optimism and I'm like, okay, bring it, bring it. I got it, like I I can do this. Um, but it felt it was really, really hard. And there were times where I was like, can I do this? Like, am I gonna make it? Will I make it out of this? Like, a year and a half is a long time. Like, this is really, really hard, Heavenly Father. Like, why am I here? And I I always go back. The feelings I got when I would pray and ask for comfort were the ones I got from the book of when I read the Book of Mormon for that that time that I knew it was true. Like, just this overwhelming amount of peace and love and acceptance for what is right now. Like, I just remember sitting there and just being like, okay, it'll be okay. Like, from going from like kind of manic to being like, oh my gosh, I I'm not gonna get through this. Like, I'm gonna die out here, like this is awful.

SPEAKER_05 38:01

I don't know what's gonna happen.

SPEAKER_06 38:03

To being like, you know, having my mind calm down and God, you know, just kind of comfort me and be like, it's okay. I can take it day by day, hour by hour. Like, God's got me. I'm not out here for anyone else. I'm out here for him. He got me through all this. I can I can give up a year and a half. Jesus Christ, you know, died on the cross for me. I can give up a year and a half of my life to go and teach people about this gospel that I'm so blessed to have. You know how many people do not have this, like most people have never heard of Jesus. Like, we are so blessed. So I just was like, I I need to go out. I this is this is bigger than me. And so thankfully, I was able to overlook those things, and God obviously helped me through those really hard times, and just and they weren't like these huge feelings always either. It was just like like I would go from being so so sad to just be like, okay, and I'd be like, That's God, that's not me. Just these little things that you can choose to believe that it's God, or you can choose it's your like, oh no, it's just my brain, you know. I chose to believe it was God, and because I did that, more things would happen that built my faith.

SPEAKER_00 39:24

So, you know, you've had lots of church hurt there's uh these difficult moments with uh companions who are supposed to love, or we're called to serve, not called to tear down.

SPEAKER_04 39:36

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 39:36

Um, and leaders you talk about.

SPEAKER_04 39:39

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 39:40

Um so what what did this season teach you about the difference between people and the savior himself? Because I think we can get mixed up. Uh, in in reality, the church is full of sick people.

SPEAKER_07 39:53

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 39:54

Missionaries to leaders in the church, everyone's broken, everyone's human. We got our challenges, we got our mistakes, and we're prone as a human to say mean things. Yeah or hurtful things, whether we intend to or not.

SPEAKER_07 40:05

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 40:06

And we have to, yeah, we need that church group. We need a church community. So, you know, how do you distinguish between, okay, the church and the broken people and the savior and the loving savior Jesus Christ?

SPEAKER_06 40:19

Yeah. I think that um I think especially being a missionary, you have this beautiful gift of looking at people like the savior would. And um I was able to see that in my companions. But I also, before my mission, I had some leaders, some young woman's leaders that said things that weren't very nice, you know. Um I think that something I've been blessed with, like, like I said, I have high functioning autism. So for me, I can look at things for how they are. I'm very blunt with how I see things. So I just yeah, a lot of people hurt me. And in fact, I remember my mom, like people would hurt me and I would just get over it. Like people in the church, and my mom would like be like, get mad at them. She'd be like, Why are you why are you so rude to her? Like, you know, if this was anyone else, if it weren't her, this could tear someone's testimony, what you just said, or what how you're excluding her, or how you, you know, like, but thankfully she is who she is, and she's you know, she can kind of you know separate those two things. Um yeah, I I can I personally can separate those things, and I know a lot of people have a hard time with it, and sometimes I do, but that's for me, that's a victim mindset. That sounds so bad, but for me, I'm not here for anybody else but myself. Church community is great, it is, and it it that's sometimes how people can get into the church. That's why it's so important to be kind to others and welcoming and not judgmental. Um but for me, I grew up with these foundations, and it was in quiet moments by myself that I gained a testimony of Jesus Christ, not of the people of the church. People are always gonna be say something that you disagree with or that's hurtful. And you just gotta be like, you know what? They're human, they're not Jesus. I think a lot of people look at church members and are like, well, that wasn't very Christ-like, and they're not Jesus, they struggle too. They struggle with their own things. Church is a hospital for sick people, like you were saying. And it's honestly like alarming if everyone is like super perfect. Like, uh, I don't know, there's an apostle that said once, like the uh he loved or there should be the church should smell like cigarettes and like alcohol and things, like, and that's how you know, like it's good. Like, you want people to come to church and you need to be kind to people because you know, a lot of people that is a big thing for them. The people they want to have a good church community, and if you know they're not reflecting the savior and what they want to see, then they they're out, like you could be someone's like first witness of like the church, and and they could see you and be like, Oh, you're a member of that church. Like, I don't want to go because of what you just said. That was that wasn't Christ-like. Um, again, for me, I just didn't gain a testimony on the people first. I gained a testimony on the Book of Mormon, the foundations of the gospel, and I hold on to that. Um, obviously, I have so many f friends from my church and uh even my mission. I have so many awesome companions that are lifelong friends and I love them so much. Um, but I just know. People are human. I know they're human, and I know people say things that are hurtful just like they do in our daily life. So what's the different in church, right?

SPEAKER_00 44:07

That's not what we should base. So how did this, you know, this journey, this tough, tough journey, and you end up coming home earlier than you anticipated, which sometimes is a shock to the system.

SPEAKER_04 44:21

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 44:22

Because you're not mentally thinking, oh, I'm gonna you're you're mentally thinking of one thing and then something else happens. And how did you uh use this experience to propel you to a deeper relationship with the savior?

SPEAKER_06 44:35

Um yeah, so I came home, I want to say like four months early, four or five months early for my mission. So I feel like I served my mission. I did everything I could to stay out there. Um and it got to a point where so my mission president never liked me. And I come later to realize I wasn't the only one. Like a lot, he sent so many missionaries home, which as a mission president, you should be keeping your missionaries out. But it was like almost as if he was like trying to get us to go home, the people he didn't like. He's like, Oh, you have this, like, go home. Like, let's let's send you home. And I was with my last companion, and she was so sweet. She was so sweet, but she was very sheltered and had didn't, we were just so, so different. Like this girl had only ever listened to Disney music, had never seen a PG 13 movie. Like, I'm so serious, which there's nothing wrong with that, but it is so different, it's so different. And um, I was greenie breaking her, and I just had such a hard time. And I just remember talking to my president in interviews, being like, President, like, I'm really struggling. And he's like, Well, you know, you struggle with a lot of your companions, and I was just like, Well, yeah, I have. I have, I've struggled with a lot of my companions because you put me with like people I would, you know, never that I'm different. I, you know, I come from a different family, and I I haven't planned on a mission my whole life, and it was a kind of a spur of the moment that I decided to come out here, and um, I know I'm supposed to be out here. I was just bawling my eyes out, and he was like, you know, Sister Lyman, like you have been like so like miserable out here. You haven't like you struggle with working, and you know, you don't you think you've been like hard enough on your companions? Yeah, my mission president said that, and I just was bawling my eyes out. I started having like a panic attack in front of my mission president because I already was having I already had hard companions. I had great companions too, that's the thing. Like I I found my best friends with companions as well, but I was just at rock bottom and that just was like the tip of the iceberg. And I I remember what my mom had told me about my bishop. About he said, She needs to go, she belongs out here and she'll surf all-time. And I told him that. And he's like, Well, don't let a bishop like tell you what to do. If you're struggling, you should go home. And I was basically, yeah, I was advocating for myself to be out there as hard as I and at that point I didn't. I did not want to be out there. My companion was hard. It was just hard. And I was just like, my faith, I just knew I was like, I need to be out here. Like, I told as much as I want to be like, yeah, send me home. Please send me home. I would love to go home. I was like, I'm gonna advocate for myself. And so I was like, no, like I need to be out here. My bishop said that, and he was like, Well, whatever, you know. It was so weird because looking back, he was literally trying to persuade me to go home. I'm like trying to get me to come to my own conclusions, like, you should go home. And I'd already had that last companion say, Maybe, you know, that last companion when I was struggling with my depression, she was like, Maybe you should do a service mission. And I was like, Oh, that's really nice of you to say, I didn't know you were God, like giving getting revelation on behalf of me for telling me I should go on a service mission. And so I have all these like people that are supposed to be supporting me, not, and they're trying to get me to go home. And it's honestly like the adversary, and I'm just like, What's going on? Like, why are you doing this? You guys are supposed to be the ones wanting me to stay out and be like, You can do this, sister Lyman. Like, you you've got this, like, we can help you, we can work through this, we got it. Like, I was at this point, I was still going out and working every day. It wasn't like I was in my bed all day, every day. Like, I had to take little breaks, and I think that's normal for missionaries. It's normal.

SPEAKER_00 49:07

You're human, yeah.

SPEAKER_06 49:08

And so I and also, like, there's a point where his wife called me, my mission president's wife, and she's like, You're having a hard time. And I was like, Yeah, I am. And she was like, you know what? She told me like about how she was a mom, and you know, she needed to take a little vacation. She's like, It's okay to take breaks, like put into the schedule like a 30-minute break each day where you can just be by yourself, you can crack the door, like, and just be like, This is Sister Lyman's alone time. Because my companion at that time, my last companion, needed a lot of you know, reassurance, and I was like a mom turned away because she hadn't experienced the world at all. And it was a lot, took a lot out of me. And my president in my last interview had mentioned that, and he was like, you know, like why do you have this big gap here? And I was like, Oh, well, your wife said that I could, like, she said that I should probably take time. He's like, No, get rid of that. You don't need that, like, if you need that, like you should go home. Uh yeah, it was insane. And obviously, like I think he probably said it in nicer words, but that was uh the point that he was making 100%. Like, I'm not sugarcoating it, like this is what happened. And um anyway, so yeah, it was really hard. And a week later, um, he made me do some tests for like an eating disorder or something, because you know, I didn't it never affected the work. That's the thing. It was like an inward battle that I had um expressed him over an email because I just, you know, was like, hey, this is what I'm struggling with. My companion had no idea. Like, um, it wasn't something that was affecting the work at all, but he was like, take this test, and I took it, and um, he's like, Yeah, you need to go home. So he's like, Tell your parents you're going home. So he made me call my parents and my mom. My mom, my parents know how hard I worked to get out there and how hard it was for me to stay out there, and how much I had overcome, and they were furious, they were so upset, and they were like, Ava, like you can stay out, you're staying out. Like, if you want to stay out, you can stay out. We'll talk to the 70, like, we'll message the first president see, like, this is him. And I was just like, at that point, I was like, no, I'm done. I've advocated for myself enough out here. These people who aren't, they don't want me to be out here, and I'm not gonna stay out here and be, you know, kind of picked apart. Um, I'm not gonna stay out here. I've done my mission. I've I've I know there was one person I know I was for sure out there to convert. I helped her a lot, and she's my best friend. And I and I was I felt good. I was like, you know what? I I've done my mission. I'm okay. Like, I'm coming home. And she was like, either way, we'll love you. Like, if you come home, we'll love you. If you stay out, we'll love you. And I came home. Um, I will say this though, but yeah, he told me to call my parents, and um I called them and they were like, Why didn't he call us? You should call, you know, and my they told my stake president, my stake president was so mad, so my parents started calling my mission president. He was scared, he got so scared he wasn't answering my parents' calls, and it was this whole thing, and it was just like so hard. And you know, my dad called him and he was like, You like you better tell her how good of a job she did, because she did a really good job. Like, in your interview, you need to tell her how much you like how much you appreciate her, and he just like in our last interview was probably five minutes. His wife wasn't there to say goodbye, and um he was like, Well, look at all the areas you got to convert this, so and so, and this is where you served, and you did so good, Sister Lyman. Okay, have fun, right? He was telling me that when I get home, I should probably do weekly planning because it's a good like uh transition into normal life, and I was sent all my way, and I got home, and at that point I was so excited to go home. Like at that point, I had processed things. I had three days from knowing until I was home. So I went home within those three days and I saw my family, and I was just so excited. Um, and uh I actually didn't work through all that until later on. At first, I actually went into my old habits and I kind of just threw everything I knew out the window. Uh, not that I was doing anything bad before my mission, but like I stopped my habits of prayer and studying, and um I was kind of going crazy again and you know, being my crazy energetic self because I that had been done so much on my mission. So when I was at home, I was like, yeah, this is great! I can be myself and no one's gonna hate me for it. Um, and then uh I within a whole a month of being home, I met my husband, and I, you know, obviously things didn't pan out the way I wanted them to. Like I wanted to finish my mission. I had five months left, and but I know that God was in the details, and I was supposed to meet my husband. He's the best, he is so awesome. And anyway, so a little bit later on, I don't know how much later, not it was probably a couple months after my mission. I just was like, I was talking really poorly about my mission presidents um because I just had been so hurt. And um I never, I was still going to church, I was active. I knew the church was true. I knew this was completely just the people. And I'm not saying he wasn't meant to be a mission president. I respect him as a mission president. I saw him help my companions. Um, I saw him be there. He was definitely there for missionaries. For me, though, it was a different story. And also other missionaries, you know, he wasn't he sent a lot of sisters home, and um that really affected them. And I because I'm uh like I said, I'm the first one to look inward. I'm like, is there something wrong with me? And no, it was it was him, you know. He probably had his own stuff going on. He did his best. I know that. I know he did his best. And um so yeah, I had to kind of reflect on myself after a while and be like, wow, okay, like I didn't go on a mission just to go back to my old life. Like, I need to, I need to get back into things, like and really, you know, I didn't like who I was becoming again because I had worked so hard to change to become more like the savior, and then all of a sudden, you know, I'm going back and you know, not doing I like I said, I never did anything bad, but it was just like I wasn't doing the things that I should have been, if that makes sense.

SPEAKER_00 56:18

It just wasn't a priority.

SPEAKER_06 56:20

It wasn't a priority for sure.

SPEAKER_00 56:21

You know, it's it's that's it doesn't make you evil, it's just you know, Yeah. Exactly. Lacking in the strength it could be.

SPEAKER_06 56:29

Yeah, and so I started, you know, just kind of noticing that and slowly starting to build that back up. And, you know, even to this day, like I'm still trying to be better and you know, get back and continue to grow. And the my mission presence, I am still working to forgive. I and that's okay. You don't you don't need to forgive everyone right now. As long as you're working towards it, I think that's the important part. And I learned so much on my mission. I know without my mission, I would not be able, I wouldn't have met my husband. I think my mission taught me that I can do hard things. I can do hard things, and um it really taught me my personal relationship with my savior because there was no one else for me out there. It was just me and Christ. And I wouldn't trade it for the world, and you know, I'm not trying to, I'm not blaming anyone, like I'm not trying to. This was definitely meant to happen to me. Like I learned so much from it. Um, I'm not trying to be like, oh my gosh, poor me. My president was awful, and you know, like, because he wasn't. He he was he did his best. He was a I know he tried his best and he was a good person, you know, but um I just didn't feel supported, and I know some other missionaries didn't, and that's okay. Because we're all at our at the end of the day, we're all trying our best. It's a mission is hard, whether you're a president or a missionary. So hard. It is, and so I'm just grateful for the relationship I got out of it.

SPEAKER_00 58:11

What relationship?

SPEAKER_06 58:12

My relationship with Christ. Um I just realized that He is there for you no matter what, literally, no matter. And that's just it's such a simple, basic thing to say, but it is so true. Like, God, you can either choose to blame people, and you can either choose to blame God for putting you in these situations, or you can grow and come out of it out of the other end with an even stronger relationship. And I chose to, you know, be like, yeah, this happened to me, but this is what I learned from it, and this is, you know, and change from that, and that's that's up to you, and that's up to you and the savior to do together. And I chose to do that. So, you know, I could have come out of my mission and been like, that was a worse experience in my life. I got belittled the whole time, you know. The one person who was supposed to support me hated me and abhor me, like I'm leaving the church, and but I I decided to look at the positives because there were so many.

SPEAKER_00 59:18

So, what does the savior mean to you today?

SPEAKER_06 59:21

He's my everything. Um, I tell my husband this, I'm like, it's you, it's God and then you because I'm such a firm believer. If you put God everything, God first, everything else will work out. And it has for me so far. There has not been one time where I have put God first and it hasn't worked out for me. And I've learned to feel so secure in my relationship with God in my life, I know everything will work out. Like things get hard and you can have doubts here and there, but I just know in my heart that everything is gonna happen how it should. Because as long as you're putting Jesus Christ before everything else and you listen to him, everything will be okay. And it's up to you to look at the negatives or look at the positives, but life is so much better when you look at the positives because there's so many beautiful things that God does for you. And I've grown and I've changed so much, and I'm so grateful because I'm such a better person because of it. And it wouldn't be, I would not be here without Jesus Christ. And I'm so grateful for the hard experiences because I just have a little glimpse of what you know he experienced in the Garden of Gethsemane. And so yeah, like I I loved my mission. There were so many amazing things that happened too. I feel like we focused on some of the hard ones, right? But there were amazing things, and I am the most important thing I got out of it was a savior with Jesus, our relationship with our savior Jesus Christ, and um no one can ever take that away from me. And that is my biggest, like, that's my price possession in this life, is my relationship with the savior, because we can we come here and we try to gain so much. We try to get a house, we try to have, you know, we we gain so much, but the only thing we take with us is our relationship with our savior. And so that's all that matters to me, you know, and that's what I learned on my mission is that nothing else matters but him. Um, but yeah, that's kind of my testimony.

SPEAKER_00 1:01:37

I just want to thank you so much for coming on. Uh I mean your stories, it's hard.

SPEAKER_07 1:01:42

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 1:01:43

Like w but if we talk faith, we gotta talk hard too. Yeah, absolutely. Because faith isn't always rose-colored, and it and and everything isn't just gonna be perfect and and rosy and and things are just gonna be smooth sailing, you know, with Jesus. Uh with Jesus, there are rough seas up ahead. There's calm seas, but there's rough seas. And that's just called life.

SPEAKER_04 1:02:06

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 1:02:06

And so as we as we navigate this life journey with Jesus Christ, we can expect things to be hard, but those are moments where we can lean on him, connect with him, and feel his power so that we can come out the other side with a greater relationship and a faith and a trust in him.

SPEAKER_04 1:02:22

Exactly.

SPEAKER_00 1:02:23

And that's that's what's I loved about your story. I I understand there were some very, very hard things. Yeah. And I'm sad for those people. And I'm sad for people that, you know, as saints, we gotta do better at sharing kindness and showing love to everybody. And and uh it's not easy. Yeah, it's not easy, but sometimes uh the need to change somebody overcomes the need to just love them. And we're like, oh, I need to change this person. Well, maybe you just need to love them, yeah. And and learn to see the good in them, and maybe it's a superpower. Maybe it's a superpower that God wants them to use. And and sometimes we nitpick things and and lose sight of that. And um, here's something I've tried to make up my mind as a seminary teacher. I'm 29 years into the game of teaching seminary, and a few years ago I made the decision I'm not gonna allow dislike for a student into my heart. I'm just gonna kind of bl shut the door and say, you know what, I might get frustrated or um, but but I'm not gonna allow, oh, I dislike that kid into my heart.

SPEAKER_01 1:03:35

Now, I love that sometimes that pushes up against those doorknobs and they wanna let they want to get into that dislike phase, but I'm like, no, no, stop.

SPEAKER_00 1:03:43

I like you, I like you, I love you, I want you to be in this class, and yeah, and I'm like, okay, how do I reconvey that to them? Because I don't want them to get this feeling I don't like them.

SPEAKER_07 1:03:52

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 1:03:53

Um, because then that that ruins it.

SPEAKER_07 1:03:55

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 1:03:56

And and then that was the case with your situation.

SPEAKER_07 1:03:59

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 1:04:00

Um, so I just want to testify for you, listeners out there, and that that the savior loves you. And if you've been through some church hurt, it doesn't mean the church is bad. It means it's it's just that's what it is, right? It's full of hurt people. Yeah, Jesus Christ is the real thing that we have to connect to. Sometimes we're like, oh, I love my ward, it's so friendly, and then you move to another one that's not so friendly.

SPEAKER_04 1:04:25

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 1:04:25

Then it's like, why do I go? Well, we go because of Jesus Christ. We go because of him. We need him, we worship him. Yeah, and sure we want to serve people and care for people, but in the end, it's about the Savior, Jesus Christ. And that's why I focus on this podcast about Jesus Christ, not the church or a church. And if you're a Christian friend and not a member of our faith, that's okay. Join us. Um, and uh just celebrate the journey as we talk about Jesus Christ. That's really what it's about. So I want to let you know that you're awesome, you are loved, you're valuable, and I want to encourage you to have a great walk with the Savior this week. Have a great day, everybody.

SPEAKER_06 1:05:07

Amen.

SPEAKER_02 1:05:09

Your future is bright when you walk with Christ.